Whenever I pick up a guitar now, it angers me. It’s still fun. It’s still a helpful tool to let out any emotional influence. But it angers me. Sometimes I resent music. I regret the paths it’s taken me down. I regret the things in life that I can never have back. All the events I’ve missed. All the holidays with family. Some with family that aren’t here with me anymore. Not being home when my close cousin had her beautiful son. How broken my heart felt when she gave him the middle name Nicholas. How I wasn’t there. When my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer - I was living on a floor under a staircase, 2,330 miles away from home with an erratic individual that didn’t make my situation any better. Trying to fly home back & forth so I could see her, take her to chemotherapy, and be there for her surgeries. I’d cry on the phone to her that I just wanted to be home. But the living saint she is, she told me to keep pursuing my dreams. And thank god she beat cancer. Strongest human being I’ve met in my life. Tears falling down my face as I think about it now.
Music kept me away.
And for what? I’ve had the opportunity to travel the world, meet amazing individuals who listened to my music, & make some incredible friends along the way, who I consider blood. THAT I am truly thankful for. I could never say a bad thing about that. That’s the positive. And that’s EXACTLY what kept me going.
But the selfish side of me. The side of me that sometimes thinks, “What would’ve happened if I never picked up a guitar?”
Would I have done better in school? Would I have stayed away from the miscreants of society? Would I have gone to college? Would I be married with 20 kids by now? Would I have been a better son to my amazing parents? Would I have been a better friend to all my family & friends at home?
I know one thing. I wouldn’t take it back. I just wonder sometimes. And I just don’t want to be resentful. But sometimes I am.
Sometimes I wish I would’ve stuck up for myself a bit more. Not get bullied around & taken advantage of. I’m not that tough. I love people too much. Sometimes I let people walk all over me.
I’m no saint though. I’ve hurt people. I’ve done dumb shit. I’m human. Whatever that excuse means.
But I love life. Most people know me as one of the most positive, optimistic motherfuckers out there. And I am. Life is too short. Plain & simple. But it doesn’t mean I don’t question myself.
I just don’t want to be angry when I pick up my guitar anymore.